no.0.5

more random shit that was on bjc from ages ago

Ok so this isn't anything to do with this blog but fuck it i don't want to put this on facebook and worry my friends again and tbh nobody even reads this shit so I'll just vent all my feelings here it is 1 month to the leaving cert
and i could not care any less about it i have the weirdest mix of feelings im not depressed again and i don't want to self harm and im not suicidal but like do you know the way if you saw a truck coming towards you you would step out of the way? I wouldn't everyone is talking about mental health in our school now because there was 2 suicides in 2 weeks i think they did affect me more than i thought but i really don't even want to talk about it what i don't understand is why my state of mind is my school's concern i think I'm on some kind of list noq because if i miss a day my parents get a call but the thing that confuses me the most society they say that i have to study and i have to work hard now tbh I'm not an average student i am pretty smart not like 625 points smart but i got 450 with no work and i just don't understand why people are like i have to work hard to get into college to maybe get a job in my field and maybe get a good job but i personally don't like the uncertainty of that last time i worked hard was before mt christmas in 5th year and all u got back then was 480 and this completely fucked me up my work wasn't good enough and that was when u got depressed and suicidal and self harmed and according to the society we live in they weren't even the important ones so this leaves me with my question what happens if i work hard again and it still isn't good enough if something so trivial set me off last time what would happen in the important version would i kill myself then after coming so close the first time that is dropping all the bullshit and facades the reason at least u think u don't want to work at least if i fuck up i can say it wasn't me at my best i can hide behind the uncertainty and hopefully come out unscathed but is it not alot of pressure to put on a 17 year old you have been raised for the first 16 years of your life being told that the world is fair but when you turn 17 you are expected to grow up and work hard cause the world isn't fair like we told you and you just have to get use to it. Is it my fault for being childish and thinking the world should be a different place is that the root of my problems honestly im so conflicted but nobody seems to be able to tell me why the world us so strange maybe im just a spoiled brat i don't know


I thought this would make me feel better but it just made me even worse sorry for wasting your time