no 4

I can't be the only one who gets anxious from thinking about situations in my head like they won't ever happen but even just thinking about them makes breathing just that little bit harder like there is something sitting on your chest.  Sometimes it feels like i have 2 different people inside my head one is like what's the worst that could happen sure just try and the other is like no here is a million different things that could happen that could hurt you or someone else so don't even try there is no point or when i was staring at a candle on was like put your hand in it let it burn you you won't even feel it what does it matter nobody cares about you just do it and say it was an accident and then the other part was like what the fuck are you insane don't do that you'll reget it later so yea im just sitting there like what fo i do why am i so scared i wish i just had somebody to even talk to about this but nobody ever wants to admit they aren't ok but we will make jokes about it cause that's how we handle everything and i hate going to therapists i always feel like they are trying to trick me or something and don't trust them at all

no 3

Is it ok to admit that im scared I'm lying here crying cause i don't know what to do. My future is conditional and it terrifies me but i can't do anything i have no control

No. 2

So i have finished the leaving cert and all the negative feelings have subsided i'm not drowning in worry anymore it's a nice feeling while i probably didn't do awesome i should be ok at least for a while until august so yea i probably won't die at least for another while.

i don't think i need to post here at least for a while i'll probably post some of my old journal entries just to have this all contained in one place so i can see myself getting better or worse as the case my be

it's a nice feeling not to be locked up inside my own head anymore and i can actually sleep  at night lately all i can say is thank god for twenty one pilots and bring me the horizon or else i would have had a major melt down during the leaving cert

it was weird it was a massive deal and the teachers put us under mad pressure but a lot of them didn't even show up before the exam which seems kinda lousy it's a horrible weight to put on young people who may be kinda unstable already like you don't really understand until it's over that there is no point in stressing but no matter how many told me that i was convinced it was gonna be the end of the world

on a different note i may have hurt one of the girls in my class feelings and it is weighing really heavy on my mind it was like not really bad but it just cuts me every now and then and it was like a month and a half ago so i'm not sure if i should apologize like reading the conversation when we finished she sent a really friendly message but in my head i was kinda a major ass face but i'm not really sure maybe i'm overthinking it but i still feel bad about it so yea

that's about the size of it

R.H