no 5

Not strictly suicidal but i do want to self harm it's wierd i want to sleep but I'm not tired and absolutely everything seems like a major drag .
 I actually feel kinda lonely but i don't have the energy to maintain a proper friendship and even if I did i still wouldn't have any one to talk to about these feelings cause i did once and it just kinda ruined it i always felt like she was slightly uneasy around me after that and now it made it so uneven even though I know that I'm not the only person who feels like this but i wish i knew somebody that i could share stuff with like no strings i could help them and they could help me and we could stumble through life knowing we have some backup that would be nice to have like some security and just somebody who understands I just think it would be nice to have something concrete while everything around me is on flux and there is nothing i can do to control it

no 4

I can't be the only one who gets anxious from thinking about situations in my head like they won't ever happen but even just thinking about them makes breathing just that little bit harder like there is something sitting on your chest.  Sometimes it feels like i have 2 different people inside my head one is like what's the worst that could happen sure just try and the other is like no here is a million different things that could happen that could hurt you or someone else so don't even try there is no point or when i was staring at a candle on was like put your hand in it let it burn you you won't even feel it what does it matter nobody cares about you just do it and say it was an accident and then the other part was like what the fuck are you insane don't do that you'll reget it later so yea im just sitting there like what fo i do why am i so scared i wish i just had somebody to even talk to about this but nobody ever wants to admit they aren't ok but we will make jokes about it cause that's how we handle everything and i hate going to therapists i always feel like they are trying to trick me or something and don't trust them at all

no 3

Is it ok to admit that im scared I'm lying here crying cause i don't know what to do. My future is conditional and it terrifies me but i can't do anything i have no control

No. 2

So i have finished the leaving cert and all the negative feelings have subsided i'm not drowning in worry anymore it's a nice feeling while i probably didn't do awesome i should be ok at least for a while until august so yea i probably won't die at least for another while.

i don't think i need to post here at least for a while i'll probably post some of my old journal entries just to have this all contained in one place so i can see myself getting better or worse as the case my be

it's a nice feeling not to be locked up inside my own head anymore and i can actually sleep  at night lately all i can say is thank god for twenty one pilots and bring me the horizon or else i would have had a major melt down during the leaving cert

it was weird it was a massive deal and the teachers put us under mad pressure but a lot of them didn't even show up before the exam which seems kinda lousy it's a horrible weight to put on young people who may be kinda unstable already like you don't really understand until it's over that there is no point in stressing but no matter how many told me that i was convinced it was gonna be the end of the world

on a different note i may have hurt one of the girls in my class feelings and it is weighing really heavy on my mind it was like not really bad but it just cuts me every now and then and it was like a month and a half ago so i'm not sure if i should apologize like reading the conversation when we finished she sent a really friendly message but in my head i was kinda a major ass face but i'm not really sure maybe i'm overthinking it but i still feel bad about it so yea

that's about the size of it

R.H

no.0.5

more random shit that was on bjc from ages ago

Ok so this isn't anything to do with this blog but fuck it i don't want to put this on facebook and worry my friends again and tbh nobody even reads this shit so I'll just vent all my feelings here it is 1 month to the leaving cert
and i could not care any less about it i have the weirdest mix of feelings im not depressed again and i don't want to self harm and im not suicidal but like do you know the way if you saw a truck coming towards you you would step out of the way? I wouldn't everyone is talking about mental health in our school now because there was 2 suicides in 2 weeks i think they did affect me more than i thought but i really don't even want to talk about it what i don't understand is why my state of mind is my school's concern i think I'm on some kind of list noq because if i miss a day my parents get a call but the thing that confuses me the most society they say that i have to study and i have to work hard now tbh I'm not an average student i am pretty smart not like 625 points smart but i got 450 with no work and i just don't understand why people are like i have to work hard to get into college to maybe get a job in my field and maybe get a good job but i personally don't like the uncertainty of that last time i worked hard was before mt christmas in 5th year and all u got back then was 480 and this completely fucked me up my work wasn't good enough and that was when u got depressed and suicidal and self harmed and according to the society we live in they weren't even the important ones so this leaves me with my question what happens if i work hard again and it still isn't good enough if something so trivial set me off last time what would happen in the important version would i kill myself then after coming so close the first time that is dropping all the bullshit and facades the reason at least u think u don't want to work at least if i fuck up i can say it wasn't me at my best i can hide behind the uncertainty and hopefully come out unscathed but is it not alot of pressure to put on a 17 year old you have been raised for the first 16 years of your life being told that the world is fair but when you turn 17 you are expected to grow up and work hard cause the world isn't fair like we told you and you just have to get use to it. Is it my fault for being childish and thinking the world should be a different place is that the root of my problems honestly im so conflicted but nobody seems to be able to tell me why the world us so strange maybe im just a spoiled brat i don't know


I thought this would make me feel better but it just made me even worse sorry for wasting your time

no. 1

So i decided to make a separate blog to keep all my personal shit off bjc

I'm 17 years old i have suffered from depression and anxiety before even gone as far as suicidal but i got some what better but every once in a while i relapse so this random text posts will probably happen occasionally

So more intro I'm doing my leaving cert in 3 weeks and i haven't done anything for it but i am smarter than most but I'm also lazy as hell also a complete masochist and asexual aka i have no interest in having sex with either lads or girls frigid as fuck i have never kissed anyone or had a relationship i can barely support myself how could I possibly care for someone else as well

Also super overweight and pretty short only 5" 8 i don't like the taste of alcohol but i do get really drunk every once in a while im afraid of the future and i would like to make a difference in the world but to be honest i think i would fuck every thing up there is alot more still left to say but im loosing interest and im tired so g'night i finish this some other time

R.H